My emotions are so fucking HAYWIRE right now. Half the time, I'm on a massive high. And the other half of the time I'm on borderline depression. I am so scared that I cannot make it into ANU Law so so so bad. I think that's all I'm aiming for ahahaha. The more I think about it, the more I want it. It's a completely new experience, and ANU is so great for international law. I want to see where it will bring me in life (:

But, I talked to c0nn0rs the other day. My estimate... is not very high. Like, in all honesty, it is LOW. VERY LOW. Not 80s ==; but it's low. I hate myself for it. Like it really makes me question what I've been doing all year. Looking back, I really don't recall myself working very hard for my HSC, and this is what it all comes down to. I burnt out, badly, right before trials too. Which definitely didn't help. 96 ATAR. I can get that, right? And if not.. I know God still has a plan for me.

It's funny how I've forgotten about God over the past few weeks. Most considerably that, before trials, I didn't even bother asking him for help. I decided that I could do fine, as if I can't catch up, right? FREAKING WRONG. I underestimated the exams, overestimated my own ability, and stopped relying on God. It wasn't even until tonight, when after reading Jess's blog about her 98+ estimate, I nearly broke down.

I feel like as if I'm in such a mess right now! There's all these uni applications, and I KNOW that my estimate is really holding me back. I don't know HOW I allowed myself to get to this stage, but I know that I really really really want to get out of this crappy crappy estimate. My report, I haven't seen it, but I know it's not good. I don't even want to think about the amount of unexplained absences because I was just too lazy to put in a few letters after I was away. And why was I away? Probably avoiding teachers of the subjects I had work due. FUCK what was wrong with me!? I feel insanely terrible and regretful of what I let myself do in this past year.

Why do I avoid problems all the time? It's crazy. Whenever I don't want to face something, I just run away from it. I really really cannot anymore. I really have to tackle all my problems properly. So ANU, new start, new working environment. Canberra is quiet, it'll be good for study, and for me to reflect on myself as a student.

275hours studying update:
I'm on 264.5hours to go. yay =_=;;;

ECO, GO.

x

ps. expect a change of blogskins AGAIN soon ==; I love this layout, but I AM SO BORED OF IT. It won't be fancy though xD nothing too personal this time, because I don't have enough time to play around with HTML at the moment.

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