I think im getting all these epiphanies.
but firstly, i think i should actually start blogging about important stuff,
rather than just my ramblings.

school is nearly over.
what the eff.
it hit me yesterday, i think.
and i was like
o_________o.
for a long time.

its crazy. like kindergarten to now.
all these years of schooling leads up to now.
and i think i really should take a gap year.
for me, education is not as important as life skills atm.
maybe its because im mentally young..
forgot what the word was..
not immature, just... not hardworking enough and etc.
i want to get out in life to DO things,
instead of just learn crap.
i get how to do things by actually doing them
like with my graphics and etc
i learnt by trying it, and i get better at it by doing more
i learn by getting instructions from people who are experts at it
to follow their advice and just stick with it until it gets right.
i learn by shoving myself into awkward situations, and reflecting upon such awkward situations afterwards, analyzing how it couldve gone better, what i did right and what i did wrong.
at this point in time,
education to me is good, only to pass the HSC.
admittedly, i can get 90+ , no sweat.
99+ is a different matter.
99+ is not letting my rents down, not letting my friends down, not letting myself down.
sometimes, i hate this pressure.
like thinking back, imagine if i couldve gone to a public high school, ace those tests, and not feel so crap about getting 90+.
and then i think
GOD GAVE ME THESE TALENTS
WHY AM I NOT USING THEM PROPERLY?
im wasting my life away by doing stuff thats not what im meant to be doing right now.
stuff in life comes to you in bits and pieces.
and we're meant to follow those bits and pieces as each of them come to us.
take life day by day.
moment by moment.
but for some reason, i hate living in the present.
im always wondering about the future, about my past, and i dont ever want to be doing what im doing in the present - unless im having the time of my life, which, doing homework is never going to be.
so i need a gap year,
to grow up and mature and realise that life isnt, SHOULDNT be wasted because i think things like education isnt important.
until i can wake up and recognize that im supposed to be taking things one by one, just DO IT. as opposed to procrastinating.
i always think people who are older do better in life.
er.
LOL
as in
in a certain grade, the older someone is, the more.. focused they may be?
like, justin, stacey.
but they could just be exceptions.
i dno.
yet i look at myself and just know that im not ready for the hsc
not ready to put my life out and study hard.
my hearts not in it.
im not passionate about it.
i want to make my mark in life, to be an inspiration to people.
thats all i want to be in the future.
at the moment, its not happening.

so im hoping to take a gapyear and actually get life skills.

• learn canto, mando, (and if i ever have the time: french, jap, korean).
• play the piano again, maybe even start learning a new instrument. appreciate music.
• dance, sing, grow in my spiritual life.
• cook food so that i can live properly - desserts, mains, entrees. anything edible. and make it good.
• volunteer in a third world country because i really need to understand that i cant take anything for granted.
• watch a nba game, visit ny, travel. because there are some places in the world that are just meant to be visited. ie. america, canada, europe, asia, you know, everywhere.
  
• appreciate education. learn to be less materialistic.
  
• figure out what i want to be in life, what should i be doing, what God wants me to do.
• make things out of material. use a sewing machine. clothes, keyrings, figurines, soft toys.
  
• fall in love - although, i dont think i can make myself do this. but it would be nice to be able to understand one so completely and love them for who they are. its special. love is probably the one thing that could make me ecstatically happy.
  

i need to figure out what to do with myself, find out who i am, what im good at.
its just, at the moment, i feel like im so lazy, i cant be bothered to do anything.
and im really regretting it.
a year to get away and really make these days worthwhile.

yet i still need to get through hsc first.
SIGH.
i guess its true that im learning by doing the hsc too
just that i think im too young to appreciate the stuff that i should be learning by getting through this year.

i just need a freaking huge break =_=
start from the beginning again.
square one.
knowing nothing, and being on the same level with others on that level of not knowing anything.

but i know that i just gotta stick it out till the end
maybe uni will be better ?